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How Madoff Can Win

How does ole Bernie Madoff come out of this experience victorious? That's a tough question that hasn't really been asked. The man is a criminal of the highest order. He destroyed lives (of rich people). Sure, I feel sorry for the charities that sunk money into his scheme without the foresight that none of it made sense, but otherwise the victims will deal with their own plight. I want to look at Madoff himself - Madoff as a hero of villains. 

I have great respect for con men for the most part. I love people who come up with creative ways to hustle and dupe others (for this same reason I've always been infatuated with drug dealers, too). My favorite con ever has to be the classic cat vs. rat scenario. It goes like this: You are presented with a business proposition. A new company builds two houses with a small trail as barrier. One house has cats; the other, rats. Rats multiple at four times the rate of cats, so you feed the rats to the cats and they get fat. It's not a big loss because the rats continue to multiply. Then, you take the fat cats, skin them and make fur coats. See how the initial investment is all you need? Afterward, there's no overhead. This is great con because it's absolutely ridiculous (and has never actually been done), but it makes sense to people. While shady, it seems like it could work. Old con men certainly made some cash with it. The people who were fooled... eh, not much sympathy in this camp. 

If Madoff could get out, I'd say he should fly right, be honest and wait until his day comes again. Then he can leave jail, start a reality show or open a new publishing house with his memoirs as the first book deal. Good thing he can't. Here's my recommendation. Mr. Madoff, kill yourself. Don't do it because you are sorry. Do it because your name will live on. You had a lot of fun on earth doing horrible things that no one can fully condone, but now that's all over. What's left to live for? Living? Nietzsche says to live life like a movie. You did that, but now your movie is like an unfunny, secluded Down By Law without John Lurie, Waits or Roberto Benigni. We saw you in court yesterday. You're a boring actor. 

So, do it. Try to keep your shoelaces. I'm sure one of your new colleagues can teach you how to hang from a rafter.  

New York News: Part Six

Bernard Madoff, New York, NY, the whitehot, rich master of a pomo version Charles Ponzi's creation, pled guilty to all counts in a Manhattan court. Hanging is the only way out. 

For Purim, a drunken Jewish halloween, one child dressed in blackface with a sign reading, "dollar's not change." Media meltdown is expected in 7 hours.

Todd Zielinski, 32, Queens, NY, spent 28 hours in The Tombs for leaving the subway through an emergency exit. Somewhere, Guiliani ate a chunky monkey and sobbed.

Will Oldham Piece In New York Press

This week (or today, to be specific), you can find my feature on Will Oldham for New York Press. 

Get the article online here, or pick up a copy on any street corner in NYC. 

Driving Through Purim

So, I wanted to write today, but unfortunately am running out of time. From 3pm - 3am I'll be a personal driver for a hasidic client as he (and family) drink through the festivities of purim. Where will I go? I have no idea. I imagine winding roads and highways upstate, a suspension bridge here and there and much time sitting in the vacant car reading and drawing crude pictures that make fun of Chinese DJs or electroclash. 

I've always wanted to be a cab driver, but the main appeal is that you engage in brief, fleeting moments with strangers. You also can pick your own music and rarely have to venture outside the city. I know my blackhat associate pretty well, which takes away the bulk of aura inherent in a driving job. 

That being said, I will keep my suit on from this morning's meeting. Hey, if I was going to pay somebody to shlep me around all evening, I would certainly want him or her to look sharp and magnify my personal image in the community. Will I open their doors? That one remains to be seen. 

How Big Is Too Big?

You walk into Strand for a new book. It's been awhile. You got some Dickens (or some other long, boring thing) last time, and now you want something shorter - not necessarily easier, but more manageable. You want something to bring on the train, bury in the recesses of your tote bag, even tuck in the annals of your backpocket for those few stray moments of downtime. 

The short (or small) book means nothing about content. It's about size, portability and easy digestion. If you had never heard of Pynchon, then you'd likely start with The Crying of Lot 49 - not because it's necessarily easier than the others (although, it is), but because it's short. You don't need to commit a month or more to an esoteric world that might make you too paranoid to leave your apartment. If that paranoia - or boredom, emancipation, relief, interest, whatever - comes, it'll only last for a few days until you reach the last words and can venture back to the store again for something new. 

To me, shortness also comes into play when looking at how a book is setup. I'm currently reading Robert Bolano's endlessly epic 2666 right now. It's nearly 1000 pages long, yet this is a bit deceiving. The 1000 pages are split into 5 books and most of the content is divided into little pods of information. The material and stories become increasingly difficult as you plot on, but you can focus on small moments and allow them to fill in the proverbial puzzle pieces. To compare, take a shorter book by someone like Faulker. I love his work, but I'll never believe someone that claims it's not difficult to read through wild, flickering free verse that rarely stops to pause, explain characters or even impart if we're inside an unconscious or conscious reality. 

Last night I sipped on free Buds at a closing party for the Armory Show. The topic of literature and novels came up. I made the ridiculous claim that the only two good novels are Don Quixote and Underworld. Now, this was, of course, a joke, but it falls into a sort hilariously unhip contrarian opinion. They are both BIG novels that are hard to get through. They take major commitments (maybe months) and cover HUGE issues while barreling through large swathes of history. Should an author such as DeLillo - who has proven he can write great short novels - make a work like Underworld more concise on the off-chance that more people will actually work their way through the whole thing without pretending? No, but I'd imagine that more people would finish a long novel if it was shorter.

TV will switch to 15 minute shows to mimic web episodes. 

Movies will stream online in short segments with commercials. 

Books will be replaced by short, immediate content. 

The future already happened. The large novel will have to be really important to make it through the transition.